I can't imagine all the people that you know
And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I don't understand
All the things you've seen
But I'm slipping in between
You and your big... dreams
it's always you in my big dreams

And you tell me
That it's over
Wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clover
And you're restless
And I'm naked
You've got to get out
You can't stand to see me shaking
no, could you let me go
I didn't think so

and you don't want to be here in the future
So you say
the present's just a pleasant
Interruption to the past
And you don't want to look much closer
'Cause you're afraid to find out all this hope
You had sent into the sky by now had... crashed
and it did because of me

And then you bring me home
Afraid to find out that you're alone, no
And I'm sleeping in your living room
But we don't have much room
To live

I had these dreams, in them I learned to play guitar
Maybe cross the country
Become a rock star
And there was hope in me
That I could take you there
But damn it you're so young
But I don't think I care
and if I hurt you then i'm sorry
please don't think that this was easy

And then you bring me home
'Cause we both know what it's like to be alone, no
And I'm dreaming in your living room
But we don't have much room
To live

And Konstantine is walking down the stairs
Doesn't she look good
Standing in her underwear?
And I was thinking, what I was thinking
But we've been drinking
And it doesn't get me anywhere

My Konstantine came walking down the stairs
And all that I could do
Was touch her long blonde hair
And I've been thinking
It hurts me thinking
That these nights when we were drinking
No they never got us anywhere, no

This is because I can spell konfusion with a K
And I can like it
It's to dying in anothers arms
and why i had to try it
It's to jimmy eat world
and those nights in my car
when the first star you see
may not be a star
I'm not your star
Isn't that what you said?
what you thought this song meant

And if this is what it takes
just to lie with my mistakes
and live with what I did to you
All the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock it's 11:11
And now you want to talk
it's not hard to dream
You'll always be my Konstantine
My Konstantine

They'll never hurt you like I do
No, They'll never hurt you like I do
No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No

This is to a girl who got into my head
with all the pretty things she did
Hey, You know, you keep me up in bed
This is to a girl who got into my head
with all these fucked up things I did
Hey maybe baby, you could keep me up in bed
My Konstantine

Spin around me like a dream
We played out on this movie screen
And I said,
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you

I miss you

And then you bring me home
And we'll go to sleep but this time not alone, no No,
And then you'll kiss me in your living room, oh
I know you miss me in your living room
Cause these nights I think maybe that I miss you in my living room
We don't have much room
I said, does anybody need that room?
Because we all need a little more room
To live

music: Konstantine- Something Corporate

Tony called me while I was at work yesterday. We are still not officially back together, but I did tell him that I was going to wait for him. He's pretty happy. Poor child hasn't realized that he hasn't even given me a chance to show him how hardcore angry at him I was/am. We'll see how this goes.

I'm rereading Twilight. Amazing book, read it now.

I am thisclose to quitting Tuckers. All I need to do is line up another job and I am fucking out of there. I was working close yesterday and Randy started making crude comments about Jamie being touched in inappropriate places. And how when she turns eighteen, Creg's going to be "owning that ass." I swear to God, I wanted to kill him, I have never wanted to hurt someone as badly as I wanted to hurt him. And I fucking have to work with him tonight too, he's closing manager. If he says one more word about her, I'm done. I'm sick of his crap.

Band camp is over. I am at least twelve shades darker and I only passed out once. That's quite good compared to Pirates. Laura and Joe Fee are kind of a thing now. I'm so excited for her. She's living at my house for the week; her parents are in Michigan and don't trust her at home by herself. I wonder what they think she's going to do, sleep with my boyfriend? Oh dear.

Speaking of boyfriends, Tony went all psycho on me when he got my letter explaining about Joe. I figured it would have been better if he heard it directly from me instead of another source, so I wrote him a letter telling him about the Buttermilk visits, the fact that I called Joe first when Jenn told me about Tony and about the night we are now referring to as "Tequila Night" Tony (understandably) threw a royal bitch fit and basically forbade me from seeing Joe outside of work. That's what pissed me off. I understand that he can get angry at some other guy coming in and being a gentleman to me and a pseudo-father figure to Jamie, but for him to have the audacity to forbid me from seeing a guy when he fucking cheated on me is too rich to handle. If he thinks that I'm just going to sit around like a good little girl, with my hands folded in my lap, being a chaste little maiden until my knight in shining armor comes home from AIT to rescue me and carry me away to a dream castle in the sky, he has another think coming. Fuck that. It's not the same now. I'm not the same now. My view of Tony and my view of myself are completely different. He had the effing nerve to call me a slut for "moving on too quickly." Excuse me, but the only two times I "moved on" was when I was good and single. His idea of a good time to move on is when you are still in a relationship. Pardon me, if we ever get back together, Tony dear, I'm going to fuck someone and then come home to you, expecting a back massage and a nice meal. Fuck that.

Whoo...that felt nice to get out.

So right now I'm just trying to contain all of my emotions until everything is all figured out. Easier said than done, aye?

So, in one hour and forty minutes, Marching Band Hell Week will have officially started. I'm not looking forward to this. I fail at physical labor.

You confess, you messed up
dropping "I'm sorry" like I'm still around
And I know you dressed up
"hey kid you'll never live this down"
'Cause I'm just the girl all the boys want to dance with
And you're just the boy who's had too many chances

If you, if you could return, don't let it burn, don't let it fade.
I'm sure I'm not being rude, but it's just your attitude,
It's tearing me apart, It's ruining everything.

I swore, I swore I would be true, and honey, so did you.
So why were you holding her hand? Is that the way we stand?
Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you?

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

All that I'm living for
all that I'm dying for
all that I can't ignore alone at night
all that I'm wanted for
although I wanted more
lock the last open door-
my ghosts are gaining on me

i close my eyes
thought i was lost but i was stranded
i go outside
to my surprise the sky had landed
i thought it made more sense
if i could only keep you guessing
i was a fool to think that i should stop you from undressing
now i'm believing all the words you say
that i can't say back to you


I can tell that you're into me
Baby it's so plain to see
I can see it in your eyes
You're paralyzed
Every time I pass you by
You're the kind that gets your way
Every minute, every single day
I can see it all in your face
You're blown away
Cause I don't want you in my space
You're struttin' 'round here like you think that I can't do without you
You got some nerve to think that I would give up everything


I know what I'm going to do.

and "unofficially" proposed. It's unofficial because I didn't get a ring, I guess. Fuck me sideways....I wasn't expecting this. I don't know what to do. I canceled my date with Joe, saying I had a family commitment, I couldn't effing get proposed to by one guy and then go out on a date with another one. That's just bullshit!

I didn't know what to say to Tony. I told him to give me time. I told him that I wasn't going to be in a relationship with anyone, including him, until he came back. I told him that I wanted to trust him, I wanted to believe in him, but I just couldn't. How could I, after what he did? But, my god, he started crying...he actually, literally started to cry.

I told Tony everything about Joe. Absolutely everything. It pretty much tore him apart. He didn't say anything, hell, he couldn't say anything. He just was there, silent, listening to me ramble and cry and rant and yell and hurt.

He said everything perfectly. He said everything I'd want him to say. I just can't tell if he's bullshitting me.

Fuck this. Someone's going to get hurt. It's probably going to be me.

mood: confused

My heart is racing and my stomach is contorting and my head is pounding and I can't sleep because of it. I feel like I'm dying.

Jordan and Dani broke up this morning. While I can't say I'm sad about it, it's killing me to see two of my best friends hurting. So, when Jordan said he needed someone with him while he just drove around, I went along.

We were on 175, past Lost Arrow Road (RIP Fue) and the speed limit was 55. Jordan was going about 60 and we were talking, so he wasn't paying that close of attention to the road. He looked back towards the road and a fucking car pulls out from behind the car in the opposite lane, intending to pass it. That car had to have been going at least 75-80 miles per hour.

The car that that car was trying to pass? Was almost right fucking next to us. The car pulled some sort of ricer shit move and cut over just in time. As in, if Jordan reached his hand out of the window, he would have been able to pull the guy's hair. If we were going one mile an hour faster, we would have been in a head-on collision.

I almost died today. My life fucking flashed before my eyes. I tensed up and had a full-on panic attack. My fingers locked up and everything, I haven't had that bad of a panic attack since before Jamie was born.

But I need to go to work...edit in about four hours.

I feel like a fucking hardcore loser right now. GP ended last night at one am...and it completely shut down and got erased at noon today. I miss it, a lot. I didn't realize how much that stupid website meant to me until Phil told us it was leaving. I mean, I have the knockoff and everything, but that site was my home for almost five years. Five fucking years is a long-ass time. And now I just lost it all.

Oh well. Life's still moving. We have the knockoff and I'm still talking to everyone that matters. It just doesn't feel the same.

Tony's still been writing. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. On one hand, I love hearing from him and I look forward to his letters, but I'm not sure how much of it is bullshit. Does he really want me back, or is he just longing the comfort and security of our relationship? The fucking great thing is, I used to have someone that I could talk to about this shit...too bad she's part of the reason I'm going through it. And that fucking sucks too.

The whole Joe thing is getting out of hand. I haven't even kissed him since that night at my house, but you can tell he's getting so attached. He's been over a couple of times and he's played with Jamie, she likes playing with him. My dad knows him, he referred to him as a "good quality kid."

But Jesus H. Christ, everything is so fucking confusing. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want what's best for Jamie. But I don't know who's lying and who's not and I don't know who to believe or trust and I don't know how I can do what's best for her.

I need to know what's best for her before I do anything further with anything in my life right now.

It's time's like these when I wish she could talk.

mood: confused

Oh, I'm fucking ignorant?
 
You're the one that skates around the question, tries to escape blame, covers her own ass no matter who it hurts, and only cares about herself.

You know what?

I'd rather be ignorant than a little cunt.

Well, you obviously don't know anything. Jen didn't even know if they were together or not a hell of a long time before I did anything. It's not my fault that he wanted to sleep with other people to "sort out his feelings." Yeah, I fucked up. But I NEVER tried to cover my ass about it. I felt like shit from the beginning and even told him that if he didn't say anything, I would. I didn't do any of this pansy-assed bullshitting around, pretending that I was her best friend and that I cared about her. I didn't pretend that I never hurt her. I never pretended that I stopped him, that it was all his fault, that I did nothing wrong. Do not fucking start with me, spouting shit about something you know NOTHING about. Shut the fuck up.

But you couldn't have that respect. No, you had to fuck around and pretend like you were the perfect innocent one. I should have seen right through that. You were never innocent.

Don't give me this shit on how you regret it. You wanted to move in with him. That doesn't sound like a spur of the moment mistake.

Tony and I have been having problems for years? Funny, we've only been dating for two, and a lot of that time, we were perfectly all right. In fact, we started having major problems shortly after his grad party. I wonder why that is?

You wonder why you lost your friendship with me? It might be the fact that YOU slept with MY boyfriend. Don't blame me for that shit.

Oh, and I'm not "taking Jamie away." I'm protecting her so she doesn't suffer like I did. I'll kill before someone, especially him or you, hurts her.

mood: pissed off

Gee. I'm glad that your number one reason for not dating him is that you didn't want to ruin your relationship with a person that you claimed was your best friend. Oh wait, that requires thinking about someone else for a change. That would ruin your image. I forgot.