nothing seems appealing anymore when you can't get the one thing you want.

 So little to say
But so much time
Despite my empty mouth
The words are in my mind
Please wear the face
The one where you smile
Because you
Lighten up my heart
When I start to cry

Forgive me first love
But I'm tired
I need to get away
To feel again
Try to understand why
Don't get so close
To change my mind
Please wipe that look
Out of your eyes
It's bribing me
To doubt myself
Simply, it's tiring

This love has dried up
And stayed behind
And if I stay
I'll be alive
Then choke on words
I'd always hide
Excuse me first love
But we're through
I need to taste the kiss
From someone knew

Forgive me first love
But I'm too tired
I'm bored to say
The least and I
I lack desire
Forgive me first love

can it be alone tiem nao?

( I am the girl of your dreams ) 

You tricked me with your "after four A.M pants are not allowed in my apartment" rule.

But you didn't really trick me.

If you wanted me to take off my pants, you could have just asked.

:]

today a taylor swift song made me cry.

when you're fifteen and somebody tells you he loves you you're gonna believe him...

I don't go to church on campus because I have no one to go with. At home, I always have my family. And it's not like people at church are unwelcoming (of the few times I've went). I just...feel this anxiety in going alone. I wish there was away around this. I'm just shy and bad at meeting people.

we haven't talked in a few weeks but i'm afraid to say anything to him first

he always would initiate conversation, but lately he hasn't

i'm afraid he won't be interested in talking, because even when he initiates conversation, he's sort of withdrawn and nonchalant

should i just swallow my pride and say something? let him know that i still care?

Sometimes I feel like I'm a pile of dust in a world of rocks, like everything marks me more, I'm easier to break apart. When I am sad no one can put me back together because the pieces just don't fit together.

But at the same time I feel like when I love my heart burns brighter. So maybe this is a good thing.

For at least the last 12 years I have not been myself. I honestly don't even feel like the events that transpired in my life during that period even happened to me.

I've always been "impersonating people". Like I don't know how to "be myself". Everything that I say to others is really just something someone had said to me previously. I fake moods, jokes, opinions, I have no "genuine" personality to speak of.

When I'm around my best friend, I impersonate a combo of my sister/ brother in law. I say things either that they have said, or things that I'd think they would say. My opinions match theirs.

While around practically everyone else, I impersonate my best friend. I talk like him, act like him, copy his mannerisms, his humor. Even his facial expressions. People mistake us for brothers.

If im hanging out with someone and acting like my best friend, and then my best friend meets up with us, I'm screwed. Anxiety heightens, and I literally do not know what to do or how to act.

At some point when I was a child I was probably fully conscious of what I was doing and I could probably have reverted to myself much easier.

Now it is basically a hard-wired sub-conscious behavior that I do not feel normal unless I am engaged in.

Trying to trace back my steps I am coming to the realization that the "real me" is a quiet/sensitive boy. I have been faking being an adult (im 21), inside its like I quit developing at age 8 and have been in this hazy, fallacious reality. No action I make is genuine, but executed merely for a hopefully positive reaction from whoever is around.

If I try to "be myself" I will barely speak to people. All my passion/ joking/ all my blabbering, was fake. It was a defense. I feel vulnerable being myself and whenever I do, I usually succumb to the fear of impersonating people in order to prevent people's "concern" over "why is he so quiet?".

merry christmas, everyone. you guys are great.